Time Blur

Time is a blur at this point for me.

There is the obvious blurring – where occasionally I wonder what day it is and what time it is. But that only really matters if there is an appointment we need to get to.

The bigger blurring is the challenge to keep up with what happened when, hour-by-hour in just a day. We have resolved to record feedings and diaperings – something we had begun while in NICU. For me, my mind can’t keep track of things right now, so if it isn’t on the paper it may as well not have happened. This extends to self care too; it is currently 11:20am and I know I was up feeding Grayson 3 times through the night because I wrote it down. I know i took some Advil and Tylenol, fed and walked the dog because I also wrote that down. I don’t know what or if I ate. Sometimes I can infer based on the dish or granola bar wrapper left behind. I guess I need more lists.

It’s the itty bitty minutes of sleep that have taken a toll on my mind and my body. This is hard. With the reintroduction of pumping at almost every feed those minutes have become even more precious. The honest truth is, I know I often wonder if I didn’t eat, should I bother or just try to sleep? Crazy what takes weight. I know it doesn’t stay like this forever – it wouldn’t be humanly possible to keep this up. In the meantime, some I have some tough calls to make.