this Breastfeeding Mom

For those of you who have been following along, you know we have had some major ups and downs around feeding.

I so wanted to be a successful breastfeeding mom. We tried everything – attempts to latch through his screaming and my pain, support of nurses and Lactation Consultants, breastfeeding clinics, tongue tie snip and a shield.

We have resolved to bottlefeed expressed (pumped) breast milk to our beautiful guy and at night we supplement with formula so that I can actually have a chance to rest a bit. This suggestion, from our doctor, really helped a lot as bottled feeding + burping + changing + settling THEN pumping doesn’t leave much time between feeds. The formula break also seems to help Grayson sleep, as he definitely goes longer between feedings of formula than of breast milk.  So the feeding is working. He is happy and well fed and getting big quickly.

I am not sure what contributes to the wave of intense emotion I feel about feeding my baby. The practical, problem solving me knows that my baby is healthy and that is all that really matters. But for some reason talking or typing about this brings tears to my eyes and sobs that catch in my throat.

Typically, I am a hybrid softie and toughie – a true Gemini. Not unemotional but certainly not openly expressive to anyone and everyone. And I am also generally positive, on the whole. Smiles and bright sides and opportunities to learn and grow. Yet when it comes to my new job as a mom, I have to remind myself that I should not be a voice of doubt about myself. Negative self-talk and put downs are not the me I am choosing to be. But I have to stay on top of myself at times to ward that self off.

In the end, I am defining myself as a successful breastfeeding mom. Just a different version than what most people might think of.

At 3w3d, I have set a goal of maintaining my breastfeeding mom role for 1 month and then I will take it one day at a time.



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